The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
