i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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