wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize