glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i want to swaddle you in tequila
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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