I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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