I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
