you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
