wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
