I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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