If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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