I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
