I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
