The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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