When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
