saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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