you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
