I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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