i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
