6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
