he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
