currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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