I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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