Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
