if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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