you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
this hospital has no fireball
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
