One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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