fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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