He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
