then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
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im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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