I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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