what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
