a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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