dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
