Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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