Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
