"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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