Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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