I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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