he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
