he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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