Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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