I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
