i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
