did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
