I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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