You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum