The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.