i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
