I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
