and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
