I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
