i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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