DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
