The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
